This week I reflect on self-esteem, how my life’s been thought out its ups and downs.
Music: https://www.bensound.com
Published by
Lyric Holmans
Lyric Rivera, an Autistic self-advocate from Texas, runs the the internationally recognized neurodiversity lifestyle blog Neurodivergent Rebel. Neurodivergent Rebel was opened in 2016, as a way to introduce people unfamiliar with autism to neurodiversity. The blog, which is sometimes released in written format and also via YouTube video, explores the ideology of neurodiversity and the creative expressions of autistic people. Riveras’ blog pushes for acceptance of neurological differences and respect for the autonomy of neurodivergent people. Lyric is also known as the pioneer of the #AskingAutistics hashtag, which is often accompanied by a short question about everyday autistic experiences. This simple hashtag connects neurodiverse people who would not otherwise have a reason to engage with each other to foster understanding of the autistic experience. View all posts by Lyric Holmans
Memories of when I lost self-esteem was from when it started at 10 years old and right though to my early adult life. This was because bullying started in the final year of junior school and then it was worse in comprehensive. I was made to feel I did not belong and comprehensive was the most lonely year of my life.
While this was going on at school, I also had problems at home. But I did not really know how the couple of issues at home affected me a s a child until they cropped up in counselling as an adult. But comprehensive times were where I feel I had lost most of my self-esteem.
My self-esteem is better in the last few years for challenging and learning new things. But it is even much better this year, with my new job. I have my circle of friends over the years and I know I belong.
I’ve always had a hard time with self-esteem. My entire life was spent being bullied at school, and the teachers only cared that I was being disruptive, not that these kids were saying horrible things to me. My parents provided for me, but never really took an emotional interest in what I was doing, since I was interested in things they didn’t understand (math, computers, video games) and my brother was interested in things they did understand (basketball, baseball – both of which I love to watch at a casual level but have no talent in myself). As a young adult, getting asked not to come back at the first scohol where I worked made me feel like a failure. My failure to find a romantic relationship while all my friends were getting married, combined with friends who told me things like “God doesn’t want you dating right now” and a pastor who told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to women at church because they thought I was creepy and I scared them off, completely shattered what little self-esteem I had at that point. In early middle age, where I am now, I’ve had more difficulty with relationships, and sometimes it feels like there is no place in my world for someone like me. I haven’t really healed much.
Conversely, from the other side, as a teacher, I wonder how many times I have hurt children’s self-esteem through having a rough day and taking it out on them, or my low patience for students who aren’t trying and aren’t paying attention. That’s probably one of my weaknesses in my career. I think I wrote about that once, let me find it: https://highwaypi.wordpress.com/2015/01/11/exit-37-how-many-kids-have-i-hurt-because-i-was-having-a-bad-day/