I didn’t know I was NeuroDivergent (had a brain that diverged from what society has deemed “average,” “normal,” or NeuroNormative) for almost the first thirty years of my life.
It was only in adulthood, a few months shy of my twenty-ninth birthday, that I would learn the truth about my brain (when I was finally diagnosed Autistic in a period of burnout and resulting mental health crisis).
Despite not having a language to describe the differences in my mind (Autistic, ADHD), I knew I was “different” even before my diagnosis, feeling like an alien living amongst humans (though HOW different I really was alluded me).
Not knowing the truth for the first part of my life had devastating impacts on me in that (before I knew the truth) I was constantly comparing myself to neuro-normative standards (many of which were impossible or impracticable for me), which resulted in frequent burnouts and illnesses (both mental and physical).
I was making myself unwell, trying to be something I was never meant to be and something I never could be (even if I wanted to).
When you think you are NeuroTypical (a social construct dependent on time and space) but struggle with things that other NeuroTypical people find easy, those ways in which you struggle or feel you don’t measure up (because people around you are constantly telling you that you don’t measure up) can become magnified.
At the time of my diagnosis, I was in a low place.
After twenty-nine years of working harder than most people around me to get only a fraction of the results (while at the same time being told I “wasn’t applying myself” and needed to “try harder” in life), I was demoralized.
It’s cruel to tell someone who has done their best to “try harder.” Still, it happens all the time because most people do not have even a foundational understanding of the spectrum of human strengths and weaknesses, taking it for granted, assuming we all have the same brains and experiences.
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