I do something to people from time to time. I don’t mean to, but my mind tricks me, so I do it anyway.
I ghost people.
I disappear and drop contact, leaving people feeling like I don’t like or care about them.
There are two main reasons I do this:
- I’m hyperfocused on something and have dropped contact with EVERYONE while I deep-dive (except David, who lives with me)—which happens a lot.
- My brain told me I was unlikable, and I believed it.
The first bullet point is one way that being Autistic makes relationships difficult for me.
If I were to force myself to socialize while my brain is focused elsewhere, I would be distracted and disengaged, which would make people feel like I don’t want to spend time with them.
If I don’t force myself to socialize, people will feel as if I don’t want to spend time with them.
I can’t win, really.
Other people often expect more time and attention than I can give them, so if they don’t see or hear from me for a few months, it seems short to me (especially if I’ve been in a focused tunnel), but other people see this as neglecting the relationship.
The second bullet point is one way that the trauma I’ve experienced from a young age (as an Autistic Person in a cruel world) has impacted my sense of self-worth and self-perception, and my relationships with other people (preventing me from starting new relationships).
When people try to start a relationship with me I am flooded with panic, and doubt over their motives… will they hurt me?
Deep down, I am afraid—afraid I’m unlovable, afraid I can’t trust my own instincts about people, and afraid of getting hurt.
My fear makes starting new relationships hard because it triggers the raw and unhealed parts of me that fear for my physical and mental safety, pushing me away from kind people who care about me (by convincing me that people don’t care as much as I think they do, that I’m a burden, and that people are better off without me, or that if I let people get close, I will get hurt again).
The fear and doubt are often bigger and stronger than the longing for connection and friendship. The need for safety usually overrides the need to connect, leaving me isolated and alone.
I’m afraid to reach out because every time I do so, I believe I will annoy the person I’m contacting—even if they’ve given me no indications that I irritate them.
When I disappear, people often assume I disappear because of them, but I disappear because of me.
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Thank you for writing this post. It has helped me to understand why some people ghost others.