Today is June 18, 2024. It is Autistic Pride Day.
I was diagnosed with Autistic in September of 2016, so this is my 7th Autistic Pride Day, knowing about my Autistic brain.
For the first twenty-nine years of my life, I did not know I was Autistic. Instead, I thought I was the same as everyone around me, with my identity hidden.
Not knowing this truth about myself profoundly impacted me, setting me up for failure because I (and everyone around me) had unreasonable (and often impossible) expectations for me.
When I could not meet these expectations (despite not having the proper support), I took it as a personal failure, reflecting on my worth (because that’s how others treated me when I struggled with things they thought I should find easy-like handwriting).
Because nobody knew I was Autistic, no accommodations or modifications were made to make my life easier; the closest I got was being “required to type my assignments” to accommodate the teacher who couldn’t read my messy handwriting in elementary school.
Making me type wasn’t about my struggle to write neatly -it was also supposed to be a punishment. However, learning to type was one of the best things that ever happened to me.
My teacher assumed I wasn’t trying because of my inability to write neatly by hand (something I still struggle with as an adult).
I will never have neat handwriting.
Writing by hand hurts too much. However, I type faster than most people I know, and I can even type without looking at my keyboard and talking about subjects other than what I’m typing about. I do this so easily that I never thought much of the skill until speaking to David while working one day.
David pointed out that they’d never seen this skill (talking about one thing and typing about another) before, and it freaked them out when I did it.
From my observations of people (because, as an outsider, I’ve spent a lot of time observing from the sidelines), if this skill was common, it would not “freak anyone out” because it would be something most people are assumed to be able to do.
As an Autistic Person, I’ve lived a lifetime on the receiving end of people making their assumptions about my capabilities (based on their strengths and weaknesses instead of my own), especially when nobody knew I was Autistic.
People often take things they find easy for granted, failing to understand that the next person may struggle significantly with the same task just because they see something simple.
I’ve also had many people get mad at me over the years for not living up to expectations that I can now see as cruel and unfair (considering what I understand about my brain these days), taking my failures personally.
More assumptions, assuming the worst. Assuming I’m not trying—assumptions about what I can do and anger when I struggle.
I must not be trying because “it’s easy” (for you).
You can’t see me when you assume all people experience the world the same way.
You erase me when you expect everyone to have the same strengths, weaknesses, and needs as you.
You erase me when you paint me with a behavioral lens, ignoring my needs (and trying to squash the signs that my needs are unmet).
You erase me when you don’t understand me.
I’m tired of hiding. I deserve to be seen – because I need to be seen to survive.
That’s what Pride (of any kind) has become to me. It is my understanding that if I’m not “seen,” I won’t be able to survive in this world, but I don’t just need to be seen on June 18.
I need to be seen every day of the year.
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