Although I found out about my NeuroDivergence when I was 29, I didn’t suddenly “become” NeuroDivergent (or Autistic) when my Autism was diagnosed in the fall of 2016.
Because Autism is one of many lifelong forms of NeuroDivergence, I was born Autistic, and I will die Autistic (despite not having the language of Autism, NeuroDivergence, or NeuroDiversity to describe myself for the first part of my life). This means my life and ALL of its moments have been filtered through a NeuroDivergent lens from birth, impacting how I perceive and interact with the world (often in ways different from the people around me).
For the first part of my life, I could see many of the ways I was different from the people around me, making notes of my observations from the sidelines (because I often was not included in, and sometimes intentionally excluded, from their activities).
As kids, especially in school, we are often expected to be “well rounded” and to “face our weaknesses” and overcome them (especially if our peers do so easily). These expectations frequently don’t consider a NeuroDivergent Person’s reality, our spikey neuro-profiles, or developmental timelines (which can differ from those of Neuro-Average people).
When I was younger, in school, one of the most traumatic experiences (that I’m still recovering from) was having my NeuroDivergence noticed (by my teacher and peers) but not supported or understood. Because of this misunderstanding, I was viewed without compassion and treated like a problem that needed to be solved. To them, the ways I “stood out” (often cries for help due to unmet needs) were an inconvenience, nothing but “bad behaviors” that needed to be extinguished.
The plan for ‘including me’ in the classroom was to mold me like a square peg, smashing me through a much smaller triangular hole, chipping away at my edges, and pressuring me into an ideal shape (which often reflected NeuroTypical norms and ideals).
The pressure to conform was immense, often at the expense of my own comfort and well-being. When I failed to blend myself in “appropriately,” I was mocked, scolded, and punished for my struggles at conformity.
If I wanted to “be included,” it was my job to “work hard” to fit myself into a system that wouldn’t do any flexing to meet me where I was. This was not inclusion, and it broke me (because it placed all the pressure and blame on me for struggling while ignoring the systemic issues that caused me to struggle in the first place).
Too many systems, like this one, set NeuroDivergent people up for failure because they don’t give us the essential tools we need so we can be successful while blaming us for struggling (despite never being adequately supported, to begin with).
It’s like hiring someone to do a job but not giving them the tools they need and then blaming them for the failure when it was your job to supply the tools.
In school, being AuDHD and not knowing about my brain meant I was expected to keep pace with the people around me unaided. To maintain these expectations, I often had to work harder than my peers at specific assignments, putting in much more effort on tasks many of my peers considered “easy.”
Despite my increased effort, I’m the kind of person who’s either really good at something or terrible at it. So often, even though I would put in more effort than my peers when I struggled with something, this effort wouldn’t be perceived by the people around me, leading to phrases like “If you would just apply yourself,” “Try harder,” and “I expected more from you” became anthems for my life.
My best was all I had to give, but it never seemed to be good enough for the people around me (because they couldn’t believe that what they were seeing from me really was my best).
When we assume every person has the same world experience, it causes us to misunderstand one another, and these misunderstandings can lead to communication breakdowns, stressed relationships, and the further marginalization of neuro-minorities.
This is the harm that comes from our failures to consider (or ignore) NeuroDiversity, causing us to place unfair expectations on the people around us (based on what we know and can do easily, ignoring that the other person may have different knowledge, experiences, and abilities).
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Thanks for sharing your story. As an educator, we all need to hear this!
First, let me say, you are an Inspiration! In the last ~ 3 years (since diagnosis), one of my biggest insights (and challenges) has been trying to remember that other people usually (typically? often?) don’t want the same things that I want. In particular they probably don’t want to be treated the way that I want to be treated. Going through life using a “Golden Rule” like “Treat other people the same way that you would like to be treated” (which seemed like a sound, rational manifesto for getting along with other humans) has actually introduced a lot of miscommunication (over the years). In particular, when someone in my immediate circle (usually, but not always family members) does something that I feel is inconsiderate, my knee jerk inner reaction has always been “But I would never do that to YOU!” (therefore they should not have done whatever it was).
This typically has not gone well. I have now learned that other people in th world rarely keep track of all the things that I “don’t do” to them, AND, if they had a similar list, there would probably be precious little overlap with mine. Hence my insight that others don’t generally want to be treated the way I prefer. Sigh!
Like you imply, this can take a LOT of work/effort/energy on my part.
I feel you.