My earliest days of advocacy were fueled by the realization that the unreasonable, impossible Neuro-Normative expectations had broken me, leaving me physically and mentally ill, pondering ways to exit the game of life early.

Back then, because of the harm I’d experienced, much of my focus was against the forced assimilation of NeuroDivergent People through compliance, grooming, and coercive training (from abusive practices and therapies or outright bullying, harassment, and social ostracization), pressuring us to ignore our own needs in favor of emulating Neuro-Average people.

Eight years ago, finding myself unable to mask when I was deep in burnout, I focused on sharing my journey of self-liberation from Masking. This journey, which began after a mental breakdown, leading me to be diagnosed Autistic a few months before my 30th birthday, was a powerful act of reclaiming my identity and autonomy.

The experience of rapidly going from being a high-masking NeuroDivergent Person who could maintain a complex mask, blend in, and function in the world (working 50-70 hours a week all while passing as “eccentric” or “a little odd” on my best days but not attracting too much negative attention to myself) to nearly losing all ability to blend in, not being able to work a traditional 40-hour job, helplessly watching the skills I’d acquired throughout my lifetime (and my health) failing, was eye-opening.

There’s a saying, “If you live long enough, you will eventually join the disability community.” Some of us are born into this community, some will join sooner than others, and some may die before we get there, but for the most part, joining the disability community is more of a matter of when than if.

Being unable to mask left me feeling vulnerable and raw. It also forced me to quickly begin work on confronting my internalized ableism and NeuroPhobia.

I’d tried to pack away many aspects of myself over the years (because of all the shame I’d taken on about things my peers and sometimes adults had picked on or punished me for). Still, when the floodgates burst, it was as if all that I’d packed away was suddenly unable to be contained any longer, spilling out, quickly overcoming, and drowning me.

When I couldn’t do it anymore (pack it away, repress, and hide), I was left to face everything about myself that I had somehow thought was behind me.

Autism is known as a dynamic disability.

A person with a dynamic disability’s needs and abilities may change over time. That’s because dynamic disabilities are often fluid, fluctuating depending on a multitude of factors, including the amount of support they receive, as well as additional disabilities, marginalizations, NeuroTypes, or differences they have.

My functioning ability (compared to my peers) has frequently fluctuated over my lifetime.

I did very well when I was young before I entered school (when expectations of me were lowest). I also did okay in my small private church preschool (where the small class sizes and compassionate teachers provided plenty of support) because neither of these environments placed unreasonable expectations (like Masking) upon me.

Things took a dip in the first grade (when schools changed and expectations increased).

Suddenly, I felt pressure to conform to a group for the first time. However, I couldn’t blend in with the other kids (despite my best efforts) because I didn’t understand (yet) what it was that made me stand out.

I couldn’t always hide my NeuroDivergent traits.

When I entered elementary school, as an unidentified AuDHDer (an Autistic Person who’s also ADHD), I could not (yet) blend in and had no Mask (which brought all sorts of negative attention my way).

Little Me was bold, curious, and energetic. In addition, Young Lyric was also talkative, hyperactive, lacked impulse control, and struggled to see the point in respecting social hierarchies and power structures (a lot like Adult Lyric today). This meant Little Lyric had difficulty staying on their teacher’s good side and was a frequent target for bullies.

By middle school (sixth grade), I was fully aware I was concealing things, though I didn’t have a name for the process of packing away parts of myself (or for the complex identities I’d built to present “ideal versions” of myself to the world).

I knew I had different selves for different situations and environments. Still, I didn’t realize how much more compartmentalization I was doing (compared to the people around me), going so far as to go by different names with different groups of people in some instances.

I continued to struggle throughout my public school years (until barely graduating high school in the 12th grade). Then, in early adulthood, when expectations were still somewhat low (and I gained more control over my environment), things started to improve (for a while).

Unfortunately, this success would prove to be temporary, as I would eventually find myself with an employer who, like my elementary school teacher, saw me and my struggles as moral failures that I needed to hide or overcome.

Blending in (Masking) is a survival skill (because our world can be dangerous and unkind to those of us who stand out).

Being able to mask (choosing to blend in or not) can be life-saving, keeping us safe and opening up doors and channels to us that might not be available otherwise. . . but we shouldn’t have to mimic the people around us to stay safe (or be worthy of basic compassion and respect).

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