I was a five-year-old child going on thirty – somehow simultaneously immature but also wise beyond my years.
Now, I’m a thirty-something adult, and not much has changed.
Growing older has mostly been a welcomed experience because even when I was young, I felt like I should be thirty (for reasons I’ve never been able to put into words).
I’m currently 37, and I know this (after getting out my calculator).
Though logically, I know I’m older now, 30 still feels like my correct age, and I always have to do the math (so I don’t accidentally lie about the number).
Why do I need this number (and all these accompanying assumptions and expectations about where I should be in life, what I should know and care about, and how I should behave)?
These societal expectations, tied to a specific age, can be suffocating. They often make me question my own value, whether I’m living up to these expectations or if I even want to.
Age is another social construct I struggle with, apparently.
As a kid, I longed to be an adult because adults had control over their environments, the control I desperately needed but (like many kids) lacked.
While I was generally granted the freedom I needed at home, the expectations were different at school.
For example, in school, my teacher could deny or delay my request for a bathroom break or to get a drink of water, and I typically only get one or two breaks (lunch and sometimes recess) each day, even if I need more breaks between tasks.
Adults control what kids wear, when kids eat, play, sleep, do homework, or take breaks, and they often dictate HOW kids take breaks and the kinds of activities they enjoy on their breaks.
In some extreme cases, children may be managed as if they are their parent’s property (instead of beautiful, vibrant creatures who have independent thoughts and desires outside of the parent’s wishes).
In school, teachers may set unfair and unrealistic expectations for students based on assumptions about their capabilities and needs.
For those of us with demand avoidance or higher needs for autonomy, the pressure to conform to expectations and lack of control can cause increased stress and pain in our lives.
Looking back, I can’t help but wonder how much easier my life would have been if adults and “authority figures” had been more receptive to what I had to say.
For example, when I tried to wear my sunglasses in first-grade class, I got in trouble but had the teacher let me use those sunglasses, I might have been saved twenty years of migraines (because I would have learned that the glasses helped protect me from the fluorescent lights that were hurting my eyes).
Unfortunately, because I was told to “stop complaining” when I said I was in pain, I stopped complaining and then suffered in silence for over 20 years until the migraines got so bad I was on my way to losing my job and had to seek help for them.
As an adult, since learning I am Autistic seven and a half years ago, one of the biggest keys to success I’ve found has been in taking more control over my life and building relationships (Self, personal, professional) that allow me to have the control I need to take care of myself.
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