When I share my journey of discovering my Autistic mind at 29 (and my ADHD a few years later), it’s often met with a misunderstanding.
Contrary to common belief, my self-awareness as a NeuroDivergent person did not begin with a diagnosis. I always knew I was different, and so did my peers. This understanding was not a sudden revelation (of “oh, I’m different NOW”) but a lifelong experience (and an explanation for why I’d always felt different) that I lacked a language to describe for most of my life.
Growing up unidentified was hard.
I was bullied, harassed, and picked on by my peers (and teachers) from a young age, but I didn’t understand why.
In class, I was punished for struggling with things others in my class found simple.
Back then (and often today), kids were expected to do all the flexing to conform to classrooms and teaching environments that favor neurotypically average learners (frequently punishing the rest of us).
Because nobody knew I was AuDHD, my differences and struggles were frequently treated as behavioral flaws and punished (especially when they disrupted class or inconvenienced other people).
As a dysregulated kid with a Spikey Abilities Profile, I needed more freedom to move around, extra sensory input, and multiple adjustments to the curriculum and sensory environment to succeed. However, my teachers often weren’t willing to meet me where I was. This led to a constant struggle within the education system, where I was frequently blamed for every perceived shortcoming. The lack of understanding and support in the education system is a common experience for many NeuroDivergent young people.
When the other kids picked on me, my teachers (frustrated with my “behaviors” in class) blamed me, acting as if I deserved what the other students dished out (telling me “the other kids would leave me alone” if I “would just act normal” when I went to them for help), leaving me feeling confused and ashamed.
Understanding of Self Changed Everything (for me).
When I was first diagnosed Autistic about eight years ago now, I had a realization that all the parts of myself that I’d been ashamed of, the stuff about myself that I thought nobody in the world could understand (and that I should hide) were related to my NeuroDivergence, and that the false “socially-acceptable” self I had tried to create (when I didn’t understand my own brain) was basically a NeuroTypical emulation of an out of reach ideal I will never be (and don’t want to).
While I may not have had the language to articulate my experiences for most of my life, my entire life has been and always will be viewed through a NeuroDivergent lens, a perspective that shapes every aspect of my being.
Even if I learn to disguise how my mind and nervous system operate (at the expense of my comfort, health, and well-being), my Autistic and ADHD brain isn’t going away.
I was born with multiple lifelong neurodevelopmental differences, and these have always been (and will always be) a part of me – for better and for worse.
For me, it is better to accept myself and learn to love the parts of me others have tried very hard to make me feel ashamed about. This self-acceptance is not just empowering, it’s a refusal to tone myself down for the comfort of others and a commitment to standing up and speaking out about my needs, even when doing so is scary.
Spikey Abilities Profile
Every human being has strengths and weaknesses. However, Neuro-Average people’s weaknesses tend to be more “socially acceptable” and normalized than Neuro-Divergent People’s weaknesses (which are often stigmatized and looked down upon).
Similarly, the opposite is true. While NeuroDivergent People often have uncommon weaknesses, we frequently have less common strengths than our Neuro-Average peers (because we fall outside the normative brain and neurological averages).
As an AuDHDer, I often find “the simple things” to be complicated, while “complex tasks”(if they are tasks I am well suited to) can seem easy. Growing up, this trait of not being “well rounded” (highly skilled in a few areas but lacking in others) created problems.
Reading and vocabulary have always been my things (since I was one and a half years old). Once I learned to type (because writing by hand and reading handwritten notes is an obstacle for me), typing and storytelling became my things.
My reading scores were “off the charts” (beyond what the school’s test, which stopped at grade 12+, could measure). Maybe it was all of the Stephen King and Anne Rice I had been reading.
When I struggled, my teachers used my high reading scores as “proof” that I was smart enough to do what they asked of me in other subjects (which I hadn’t scored as high).
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This is such a relatable post, thank you for sharing this.
BC