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Is Polyamory a Choice? – Polyamorous People and Polyamorous Relationships

PSA: The creator of this page is NeuroDivergent, Queer, AND Polyamorous

Recently it has been brought to my attention that a LOT of people, even following this Blog, don’t have a good understanding of Polyamory or the issues facing Polyamorous People, so I’m going to be talking about Polyamory a LOT MORE MOVING FORWARD.

If this offends YOU and have a problem with Polyamorous People (or have a problem with holding bigoted views against any minority group) you can leave OR keep your harmful and bigoted views to yourself.

Though discussions and education is always welcome, bigotry and hatred toward any group will NOT be tolerated here.

Here we go…

People saying polyamory is a choice, this has NOT been my experience as a Polyamorous person. It is literally who I fall in love with and am attracted to, which are not choices.

I am a Polyamorous person and I disagree with this idea and will share my reasons:

Would you say being gay is a choice?

If someone is not in a relationship with anyone, but they like people of the same gender are they not gay if they are not in a relationship at that time?

I am still a Polyamorous person, even if I am in a relationship with only one person …. it doesn’t change, and I suddenly stop being someone who’s capable of loving and having relationships with multiple people.

Polyamorous relationships and polyamorous people are two different things.

Just like being in a Queer relationship and being a Queer Person or two different things.

We don’t call being Queer or being in a Queer relationship a choice.

Why would be called being in a Polyamorous relationship a choice?

A Polyamorous person “is someone who can date, commit to, and/or love more than one person.”

Polyamory/Polyamorous Relationships “involves being in multiple relationships with multiple people and building connections, feelings, and commitments with more than one person.”

As Polyamorous humans, we are capable of having deep love for more than one partner at a time.

With Polyamorous relationships, just like with every relationship, each relationship is unique, because they tend to all have different dynamics and naturally just be at different stages and maturity levels. That will also depend on the needs of the individuals in the relationship.

Different partners tend to support each other in various ways. This can actually be a really great way for NeuroDivergent People, or any human, to grow a better support network, so you’re not always leaning on only one person to support you all the time.

I have known that my affections work this way since I was in middle school. I also believe that being Autistic has led me to where this part of my identity on my sleeve, like the rest of my sexual orientation, without shame, despite the possibility of this being potentially the most taboo part of my identity (it shouldn’t be).

It’s not just an excuse to go wild and run around with no consequences and escape commitment, and not answer to anyone. It’s not a free pass for bad behavior, like some people might want to believe, and those attitudes aren’t helpful. They’re very hurtful, because they stigmatize polyamorous people.

I’m not ashamed, but in my state and my country Polyamory is a crime, and we cannot legally marry more than one partner.

Polyamorous People do not have the legal protections that marriage would grant a couple.

Polyamorous people often cannot get on their partner’s insurance.

Polyamorous people have had children taken away for being polyamorous.

If one partner goes to the hospital, and they have multiple partners they are not married to, they may not be able to see the other partners on their deathbed.

Being Polyamorous might even get you laid off from a job, because we may be deemed as having immoral behavior.

Polyamorous people’s relationships are not legal and can even be punished criminally.

Just like being Queer, Autistic NeuroDivergent, etc., we have to humanize the issues, and show that Polyamorous people are just people. Humans just trying to live our lives.


Help me get the word out!!! – If you like what I do, and would like more, please consider subscribing on Patreon. This blog is made possible by support from readers like YOU!  (Sharing my content is also, equally helpful!)

With gratitude, – Lyric

8 thoughts on “Is Polyamory a Choice? – Polyamorous People and Polyamorous Relationships

  1. I find it bewildering that love can be a crime. To me it seems unnatural to expect one partner to fulfil all your needs. I guess most people get round that by having close friends. I have never been in a polyamorous relationship but I’d like to think I’d be open to it if the opportunity arose. Right now it’s hard enough to meet one person 😂

  2. As a 60 years young bisexual Neurodivergent woman, I’ve lived through the sexual revolution of the 60’s until now and have had multiple sexual relationships spanning the range from traditional marriage to polyamory. My experience has been one of experimentation, curiosity and discovery of what types of relationships are natural for my unique way of living in this world. For me polyamory is a bad fit as my age precludes me to deeper shame patterns from childhood (jealousy, fear, etc.) than younger generations. some childhood PTSD experiences are just harder to overcome and find an emotional maturity around certain topics. What I have discovered is that my neurodivergent behaviors such as attention span, my ability to remain engaged and enthusiastic within relationships, my struggle for self love and to find a partner able to grow along with me spiritually … all of these truths make in virtually impossible for me to live in a committed monogamous relationship happily. Could be I have not found a good match yet, and in this new era, finding a match is also virtually impossible. Could be that my brain is not wired for traditional partnerships. Could be no less than 10 variables effecting what my truth is. My 2 cents regarding polyamory and Neurodivergent relationships is that they happen more often simply because they can (in today’s society) and not because statistically neurodivergent people are wired to be polyamorous. The human brain is wired to be polyamorous, it is society that prevents it from being the norm. Neurodivergent people deviate from the norm naturally, so having different types of experiences and relationships, sexual or otherwise, is our norm.

  3. I really agree with how you’ve presented polyamory here, i have always struggled with feeling this way and have known my entire life but because of the stigma i never considered it a viable option until much later in life. I actually have a poem about it on my page if you’d life to read it. best wishes, charley

  4. I have always known I was Bi, but because for many years I had boyfriends, people just saw me a ‘s straight and I kinda was OK with it, especially as it was just easier…
    Then I met a gall, while in a relationship with a guy, and I fell in love. For two years she visited our house every weekend, and after that, she came to live with us. We lived together for about 5,5 years until my GF wanted a different kind of life. It wasn’t always easy as many people judged us but we were happy together, or at least I felt that way.
    When GF left us, I found out my BF was sleeping with someone else and was lying about it. I broke up with him, went to live with GF. We got married but it only lasted 4 years…
    It did show me that I can love both men and women, it also showed me that when the click is right, when the chemistry matches, you can be very happy with more than one partner. Unfortunately many still see this as a bad thing… Here we can also only marry one person… Even though our country had the first gay marriages, poly is something that I think might need more time… I do hope that it will be accepted some day, giving everyone a “right” to love and marriage..

  5. Thank you for this. I have just started blogging and having it based around my polyamorous lifestyle with severe BPD. I love and appreciate the way you presented this in a way that educates but also showing that you won’t be budged from your views by bigotry and ignorance. Polyamory is most definitely not a choice, the same as your sexual orientation. I’ve known this since I was young and have always been ashamed that I couldn’t feel love for just one person. I was afraid to even come out on the internet with an alias for fear of being ostracized based on how I love. But seeing more people that are open about the way they love gives this bisexual and poly BPD warrior hope and I feel less afraid to be more open and to not only be an advocate for mental illness but also for love. I’ll help to lift the stigma on both for our amazing community! Thank you for your encouragement! I am every grateful! Keep loving like you do!

  6. I came here to research a bit more. I’m finding as I dive deeper into polyamory that it tends to be a neurodivergent path rather than a neurotypical path. I find it interesting that people who’s minds works differently tend to lean towards this. You made a great statement and that was about how various partners can meet your needs “so you’re not always leaning on one person to support you” And I find that key. Most neurodivergent people I know don’t have the coping skills to support themselves so they lean on people heavily to fufill needs and support themselves which they are incapable of doing. For that one person supporting you it can be draining for them so instead they spread it out.

  7. Thank you for this. Your story sounds almost identical to mine: understanding this was something different about me since middle school, being autistic, and being polyamorous by orientation (not a choice). I wish more people understood this.

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