Nearly nine years ago, during a significant mental and physical health crisis, I was diagnosed Autistic at the age of twenty-nine (six months shy of my 30th birthday).

Learning the truth about my brain saved my life, as it awakened me to the fact that I’d completely lost touch with who I was (largely due to not knowing I was Autistic).

I’d been in a cycle of self-abandonment for so long, identifying with the neuro-normative mask I’d been encouraged by the world around me to wear (that had grown too heavy to hold over the years), I had completely lost my sense of self.

At the age of 29, after a lifetime of mirroring Neuro-Average people, my attempt at assimilation was failing, and I could no longer maintain the false, neuro-normative masks I’d built (projections of what I thought was socially acceptable) that had been thrust upon me, as a survival skill in a cruel and dangerous world.

Content Warning: This piece contains intense themes (NeuroDivergent Conversion “Therapies”, child abuse, and coercive control) that may be upsetting to some readers. Reader discretion is advised.

What IS Self-Abandonment (in Trauma Work)?

Self-abandonment is the rejection (or ignoring) of one’s own thoughts, feelings, needs, and boundaries, often as a coping mechanism developed from abuse, past traumas, or repeated invalidation.

Self-abandonment involves prioritizing the needs of others over one’s own.

It may involve suppressing one’s authentic emotions and disconnecting from internal cues, such as bodily needs (like discomfort, pain, hunger, thirst, or the need to use the bathroom) as well as gut feelings, to gain external validation or avoid real or perceived (emotional or physical) threats.

This pattern (of abandoning oneself) is frequently rooted in childhood experiences of emotional neglect, invalidation, or abuse (especially if expressing one’s needs was met with dismissal or punishment), teaching the individual that “self-trust is unsafe” (often while rewarding and encouraging self-abandonment).

In NeuroDivergent (and other marginalized peoples), this experience (being pushed toward self-abandonment and assimilation) is systemic and often so pervasive that (for many of us) it can be unescapable.

Self-abandonment left me vulnerable to abuse.

Self-abandonment is how I survived hostile, dangerous (and sometimes violent) people and systems when I was growing up (making myself small) allowing me to force myself into spaces that weren’t suited to (and often blamed me for) my needs, instead of learning how to create and find safe spaces and people (that would enable me to exsit and get my needs met authentically and safely).

This, forced assimilation, and the forced denial of self (and disconnection from my own wants and needs) set me up for failure leaving me vulnerable to abuse and explotation in adulthood, because I grew up to be a person who kept seeking out unsafe places, people, and relationships (because I didn’t know what true safety and support looked or felt like).

Without even having a label for what it was I was hiding (my Autistic traits), I learned that, to be accepted by others, I needed to hide my true self, mirroring the people around me (whose brains were very different from my own), because “those people” were “good people” and I was “bad” and needed to make myself like those “good people” if I wanted love, acceptance, and “success” in life.

Unfortunately, the bar was too high, and no matter how hard I tried to fall in line, I always seemed to stand out, because some NeuroDivergent People (especially those of us with complex trauma backgrounds or multiple NeuroTypes and co-occurring disabilities) will never be able to blend in, no matter how hard we try.

In my case, this (putting myself, needs, and feelings aside) led me to repeated relationships with abusive people, frequent burnouts, and, eventually, the loss of my identity -something I’ve had to fight to get back over the past nine years.

Masking, People-Pleasing, and Fawning

From a young age, I adopted fawning (agreeing to things against my values, failing to set boundaries, and managing others’ emotions while ignoring my own) as one of my primary survival skills (without even realizing I was doing it).

I learned to ignore and tune out my own sensory and other needs (like emotional responses) due to the repeated invalidation I experienced starting at a young age (frequently being told I was “too sensitive” or “overreacting” and “not trying hard enough” even when I was doing my best and had no more to give).

I didn’t learn to ask for help or accommodations for my disabilites, instead learning to ignore them (and my needs) by pushing through pain, discomft, and even sensory overloads, denying myself rest and support (due to internalized ablism, shame, and societal pressures to “be normal“)… but I was never going to “be normal“ becuse normal was an impossible lie, fabricated by socially engiered (and toxic) sytems that enforce social heiarches (that harm all of us).

I was not built to fit myself into these systems, and trying to do so almost killed me.

By the age of seven, I already felt as if I “was a mistake“, confiding to my grandfather that I wished I’d never been born.

Eventually, I grew up to be an anxious, depressed, frequently burned-out (and often suicidal) grown-up who still felt like a “failed human” pretending to be an adult.

Development of Chronic Anxiety and People-Pleasing (Fawning)

For most of my life, starting in childhood, I lived in a state of chronic hypervigilance, constantly monitoring my environment for cues on how to behave to avoid punishment, ostricisation, or pain (that I have only snapped out of in recent months, at the age of 38), because my worth had become contingent on external approval.

For most of my life, I hated myself and was constantly managing others’ emotions and expectations (while ignoring my own needs, dreams, and feelings), which led to exhaustion, isolation, resentment, and a life lived for others instead of myself.

Self-denial isolated Me.

I didn’t know how to attract people who would love and accept “the real me” because I was so out of touch with my own wants and needs that I didn’t know who “the real me” was.

Through out my life, no matter how hard I tried to find honest and compassionate people, and to spot those with bad intentions, I kept attracting exploitative relationships (in work, friendships, and romance) becase, by hiding my needs, and struggling to set boundaries, I was preventing peple who could resonate with “the real me” from ever getting a chance to see and know that person (who I didn’t even know).

How Forced Assimilation and NeuroDivergent Conversion “Therapies” Can Lead to Self-Abandonment

Forced assimilation, often enacted through our education systems and targeted compliance-based behavioral programs (which claim to be therapeutic while traumatizing NeuroDivergent People), frequently aim to suppress innate NeuroDivergent traits (by enforcing the idea that if a NeuroDivergent person can “appear more NeuroTypical” or become “indistinguishable from their peers,” they will have more success in life).

Some NeuroDivergent People and their families yearn for assimilation more than anything (because assimilation can provide safety in a world where standing out can be dangerous). However, some NeuroDivergent People will never be able to assimilate (or pass as Neuro-Average), no matter how hard we try.

Impaired Problem-Solving and Critical Thinking Skills

Compliance-based models require obedience, not creative thought.

Additionally, when applied (in school, “therapeutic” settings, and certain authoritarian parenting/teaching styles), compliance-based modalities that focus on eliciting immediate, observable obedience (often at the expense of internal development) can create significant deficits in critical life skills.

As an example, my need to understand “why” a rule existed was frequently dismissed when I was younger, and I was often simply required to “obey orders” (without understanding the reasoning behind them).

Eventually, I stopped asking “why” and started doing without question, even when I felt what I was being asked to do was wrong (or not what I wanted to do).

Struggle with Self-Advocacy

I learned that acknowledging my own needs was often perceived as an inconvenience to others (or a sign of failure), as I was accused of being “difficult,” “non-compliant,” or “manipulative” whenever I tried to express an experience or need I had that other people didn’t understand.

Eventually, when I entered the workplace, I found myself unable to request necessary accommodations, articulate my needs, or speak up when I was mistreated. This led to underperformance (due to a lack of support), being undervalued and passed over for promotions, and frequent intense burnout (as I silently worked harder than most of the people around me, denying myself rest and self-care, as I struggled to meet neuro-normative standards and expectations).

Damaged Intrinsic Motivation

By relying on external rewards (such as stickers, tokens, and praise, or fear of punishments), these systems stripped away my natural joy of learning (making me believe I was incapable of learning things on my own) and hindering my natural intrinsic motivation (and the ability to do things for my own satisfaction or curiosity).

By my teenage years (and into adulthood), I was already struggling with procrastination and a loss of passion.

I had developed an inability to initiate tasks without external pressure (or a clear reward structure), as my internal drive had been snuffed out.

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