I (like all people) want to be seen, loved, and appreciated for who I really am, but I don’t know if anyone in this world will ever REALLY see me. I’m too much for most people.

I’m too loud. Too hyper. Too direct. Too silly. Too sensitive. Too emotional. Too annoying. – or so I’ve been told many times.

Because I’m seen as “too much” in many situations, I often have to turn things down, muting myself, keeping my true thoughts and opinions hidden. I want to share. I yearn to share. More than anything, I want to speak up and connect, but I don’t.

Substack, Patreon, and YouTube channel members had access to this video on Wednesday, October 8, 2024. The video’s public release will be Friday, November 8 2024.

Substack subscribers, Patreon members, and YouTube channel members had access to this video on Sunday, September 15, 2024. The video’s public release will be Wednesday, October 2, 2024.

This video is based on the Substack post from July 2023.

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Transcript:

Lyric Rivera: Hi everyone, Lyric here.

Welcome back or welcome, if it’s your first time.

I am the author of the bestselling business ethics book, Workplace Neurodiversity Rising, and I am also an Autistic ADHD adult.

Today I’m going to be sharing some very raw, and personal feelings, I have about being a NeuroDivergent person, in a world full of people who often don’t understand me.

 If you’d like to hear more, please stay tuned.

 Intro music plays

Lyric Rivera: A while back, my partner, David, came up with the idea for a hashtag called My Autistic Truth, where Autistic people could share their own truths about being Autistic, and it did get a little bit viral for a few days.

Inspired by that campaign, in July of 2003, I wrote a Substack post, titled “My Autistic Truth, more than anything, I deeply long to be understood,” which was one of my most popular Substack posts of all time.

Today I’m going to be sharing some of what I said in that post- my autistic truth.

My readers have told me they think I’m awesome, but I don’t believe that about myself, that’s because I, like far too many NeuroDivergent people, have been traumatized to the point of being unable to see my own worth.

I want, so much, to be helpful, or useful, and to make the lives of the people I touch better, than when I found them.

I want to feel like I am not a burden, or an annoyance to people, that I care about.

I, like all people, want to be seen, loved, and appreciated for who I really am.

 But I don’t know if anyone in this world will ever really see me.

I’ve done so much work, trying to understand people around me, because I deeply long to be understood.

I used to think that, if I could decode other people, and show them I understood them, they would care enough to get to know, and understand me, but lately, I don’t know if this is true.

Online, when I share, people who come to me often do so with genuine curiosity, and unfortunately, the real world is a lot more complicated, or I should say the face to face world, because the internet world is most definitely very real.

I hesitate to share, because I can’t tell who cares to hear what I think, or what I have to say.

I’ve been rejected, scolded, and misunderstood, so many times that I’ve lost count over the years. Each scolding, invalidation, and piece of unsolicited advice, adds up to many microscopic wounds that, if they were physical, would cover my entire body from head to toe.

Tiny pinpricks, individually, nothing to worry about, but in collection, the repeated rejections would be enough to leave me bleeding out on the floor.

Because of this wound, I don’t treat myself with the same kindness that I give others.

I believe in others, but I don’t believe in myself. I see the worth in others, but I can’t see the value in myself.

I didn’t. know my value, when I started this blog, eight years ago, and, though I’m working on, it and things are getting better, even today, I still struggle to know my worth, and to speak up for my needs.

Before I started this blog, I believed, so little in my value, that I felt the world would be better off without me, a thought that comes to me less often these days.

I’ve only grown into, and learn my skills and value over the past few years, because many of you have told me my work has been helpful, and valuable, to your lives.

This blog has given me meaning, and purpose, to a life that lost it’s will, all of those years ago.

In many ways, it saved me, because you all saw something in me, that I struggled to see in myself, and I am, forever and eternally grateful.

After years of being repeatedly told my choices, feelings, and what I wanted was wrong, I grew more bold, standing up for what I want, and what I need.

” You’re too sensitive.” “Those are your feelings, they’re not my problem,” and “keep it to yourself” are words that haunt me, stifling and suffocating me, when I try to share myself.

I’m “too much” for most people. I’m too loud, too hyper, too direct, too silly, too sensitive, too emotional, too annoying, or so I’ve been told many, many, times and…

This is what she wants. She puts her face in here. She wants this.

She wants me to kiss her face.

Can I go finish the video? Okay.

See, I had to kiss it.

Bear does not think I am too much, but because I am too much, in many situations, I often have to turn things down, muting myself, or keeping all of my true thoughts, and opinions hidden. I want to share. I long to share, more than anything, I want to speak up, and connect, but if I’m feeling anxious, and unsafe, I don’t.

When someone shares a story I can relate to, I get excited ,because I don’t always relate to people, and I want to share and connect, but I don’t share, because I’ve been rejected so much, I’m always ready for it.

I sometimes convince myself that nobody wants to hear what I have to say.

I’ll just take a few breaths, and just try to ignore that familiar pain, stabbing me in my heart that, I feel like I just have nothing of value to contribute to a lot of conversations, and I keep it all in.

Because my social interactions are so treacherous, it makes me feel like I am not likable.

It’s just easier, and safer, to hide myself away, instead of facing rejection.

It’s, it’s like- is it worth the risk, and the effort of putting myself out there and, and being rejected or, thinking someone likes me, when they actually just want something from me?

 It just has me constantly wary of social interactions with other people.

So yeah, I’m Autistic, but I also have a diagnosis of social anxiety disorder, which this is what social anxiety is like for me.

I, I wasn’t always socially anxious. I used to be very socially outgoing, but my experiences were people were just really not very kind, and we’re really, just not nice, were just really awful, to me.

It made me really anxious of other people, and their reactions to me, and just made me feel like I needed to be invisible.

I go through phases where it just, it’s kind of has ups and downs.

When I’m feeling more confident, I’m less socially anxious, and when my self esteem is a bit lower, and I feel like I’m not doing as well in life or, like making a lot of social mistakes, my social anxiety flares up, and I withdraw a lot, and become really depressed.

Which is how I was feeling this past spring, and even a lot of summer, it was just really hot, and I couldn’t go outside, and there’s a lot of things going on, like things I haven’t been sharing online, personal stuff and …

Life has been hard, but fall has kicked in, and there’s been some good changes, in our lives, and so I’m feeling a bit better mentally, than I have in a long time, so that’s exciting. Hopefully that means I’ll be less socially anxious for a while.

I don’t know. I’m not there yet. I’m still feeling a bit socially anxious, because there’s new things happening, and I’m going to be interacting with new people, and that makes me anxious a little bit.

So this is what being Autistic person, with social anxiety, is like for me.

If you are Autistic, or have social anxiety, I would love to know in the comments, what your experience is like?

Like I said, this is based on a Substack post from July 7th, 2023.

This is how I was feeling in July, 2023, and I’m, I’m starting to snap out, but out of it, but still very fresh feeling a lot like this, this past few months.

Let me know if you can relate.

I hope you have a great rest of your week, and I will talk to you soon, though I don’t know for sure if I’ll be putting out a video in December, or not, so make sure you push the bell icon, if you want to get notified, notified, when I do put out my next video, because I don’t know when it will be, but I’ll be back eventually.