I Used to Work in a Porn Store… Here’s What I Want You to Know About Autism and Sex
Today I’m talking about Autism and Sex – This is a topic that may be uncomfortable or triggering for some readers. Reader discretion is advised.
Something you may or may not know about me is that I used to work at an adult retail store, and it was one of my favorite jobs.
My specialty was helping people find the tools they needed to pleasure themselves and one another (toys, lube, items for safe sex, and media for visual and mental stimulation)… okay, it was a porn store. Still, my focus and specialty was helping people in the adult toy section.
I loved helping people with their intimate needs, finding tools, toys, and solutions that worked for them based on their interests and desires, and, in some cases, offering a little coaching on how they could reach their first “Big-O“ (if that was something they wanted to do).
In those days, sex was one of my main special interests, and even though it’s been a few years, I still am very passionate about sex.
So… Let’s talk about sex, BABY!
Before I dive deeper into this topic, I need to share a few disclaimers.
I am one Autistic person, sharing my experience. I want to make it clear that I am sharing from my personal experience (and my experience as a “sexpert” in the store I worked in several years ago), with the understanding that, while some Autistic people may relate to my experience, it is called “a spectrum“ for a reason, so not every Autistic person will relate to my experience of sex – and that is okay!
Being Autistic does not determine anyone’s sexuality, libido, or relationship style (though it can influence how we experence them).
Autistic people can be allosexual, asexual, hypersexual, Queer, straight, Polyamorous, or monogamous, just like non-autistic people can. Also, our sexualities can be fluid and may shift across our lifetimes (as with any other human).
Some of us are into kink, but we also may be completely sex averse.
Autistic people are people, and we deserve access to pleasure without being pathologized or infantilized. Desexualization infantilizes Autistic adults and denies us autonomy.
Too often, Autistic people are denied access to resources and support around sex (like sex education), because people sometimes assume we will never be interested in sex (though that may be true for some of us, it is unfair and dangerous for people to make such a generalized assumption about ALL Autistic people).
Support for Autistic people who are interested in sex should focus on boundaries, consent, safe sex, communicating our needs (likes and dislikes), as well as sensory and emotional regulation. Honestly, boundaries and consent should be taught to all Autistic people, even if some of us are not interested in sex, so we know how to say “no“ when people advance on us if we’re not interested.
Autistic people often experience higher rates of sexual trauma, abuse, and coercion (and being denied access to proper education around boundaries and consent can play into this).
If we’ve been through ABA (applied behavior analysis) or other forms of Neurodivergent conversion therapy or compliance training, it can also leave us more vulnerable, because these practices often undermine consent and bodily autonomy.
The Fetishization of Autistic people (through the disturbing “I want a slightly Autistic“ or “low-key Autistic girlfriend“ trend that has been spreading on social media and various dating apps) is gross and harmful. It treats Autistic people as exotic, disposable, and, in my opinion, has been used to turn Autistic people into the new “manic-pixie dream-girl“ trope.
As an Autistic person, if I see someone use this tagline (a non-autistic person “seeking an Autistic girlfriend“), I would consider it a major red flag. To me, it sounds like they are likely looking for someone they think is “quirky“ and “cute,” but likely won’t be there to support when things get difficult (like during a meltdown, shutdown, or other type of overload), or worse, they may be looking for someone vulnerable and easy to control.
First, let’s talk about sex drive (sometimes called libido)
As I mentioned above, Autistic people can fall anywhere along the spectrum of sex drive/libido. Also, how much we crave sex can change throughout our lives.
For example, when I was younger, I had a very high sex drive and would consider myself hypersexual.
In my late 20s, I experienced Autistic burnout, and during that time I (reasonably) had almost no sex drive at all (because I didn’t have much energy for anything when I was in survival mode).
These days, since recovering from burnout, I’d say I’m somewhere in between the two (though I’ve had periods since then where my sex drive has gone up and down).
My libido has not been static throughout my life (though some Autistic people may find their sex drives stay relatively stable and unchanging over the years). Neither experience is wrong.
How strongly we feel our sexual desire may be linked to sensory or dopamine seeking (especially for those of us who are also ADHD).
We may be hyperfocused on sex, and it may be our special interest.
If we’re taking medications, they may have side effects that can influence our experiences. Past sexual traumas can also influence our experiences of sex.
Remember, pleasure is not a performance (unless that’s your particular kink). Masking during sex can reduce pleasure, safety, and connection.
As we become more comfortable and start to feel more physical and emotional safety with a partner, and we start unmasking, we may change (or better express) our sexual preferences, needs, and boundaries over time.
Super Helpers on Substack have access to the rest of this post as a thank you for their support.
Libido is only one component. Other considerations include (but are in no way limited to) how sensory processing, communication, and aftercare shape whether sex actually feels good and safe. We’ll dive more into those elements in the Super Helper’s section of the piece.
