closeup photo of a white, interior, house door with a silver handle

Escaping the Autism Closet – A NeuroQueer Journey

Like with many things, being Autistic means that I don’t fit into the box. I make my own box. I am the square peg that can’t be put through the round hole without damaging the peg and my experience of gender is no different.

I am Autistic & I am also trans. I do not identify as male or female.

I am someone who floats in the in-between. My gender is less clearly defined, & neat. It is fluid, & can flux & wave.

I am like the tides, pulled by the moon, as my gender flows back and forth inside me.

Nobody can see the shifting and swirling inside, unless I choose to express it outwardly, but I can feel the pulling and the flexing that has been happening for most of my life.

I knew at the age of four or five that I wasn’t a girl, but could not articulate why I knew what I knew, and the world told me I was a girl and had to get used to that somehow.

I also knew around that same time that I wasn’t like the other kids, but not knowing I was NeuroDivergent, also meant not having the language to describe that experience – & falsely believing that I was a lazy, inferior, NeuroTypical child – holding myself to those standards.

I held myself to NeuroTypical standards, forcing myself to fit into their boxs, at the expense of my own mental and physical health.

I held myself to cis, heteronormative standards, feeling like I was living a lie, pretending to be someone I wasn’t for the comfort of others.

I hid for safety, to blend in, and not make waves. I hid to avoid being the target of bulling and harassment – though bullies still seemed to find me.

That’s what happens when you grow up in a violent and hostile place, when you feel you don’t belong and are forced to the peripheries of society.

Being invisible was safer than standing out, so I did my best to be invisible – and it almost killed me.

Eventually, I got to a point where I couldn’t do it anymore. I came to a place where I could no longer maintain the complex social mask that had protected me for most of my life, and when it all fell apart, and I found myself in a place of crisis, I was diagnosed Autistic.

Then it was time for the real work to begin – the removal of the mask, and the beginning of asking myself what I really wanted and if my motivations were my own, or for the benefit of other people.

As the NeuroDivergent mask began to fall, so did the mask I had built around my gender, eventually leading me to coming out nonbinary during the summer of 2020.

patreon

Help me get the word out!!! – If you like what I do, and would like more, please consider subscribing on Patreon. This blog is made possible by support from readers like YOU!  (Sharing my content is also, equally helpful!)

Support on Facebook or Subscribe on Patreon to get access to more unreleased videos NOW. (Videos scheduled through all of February already). Subscription is “pay what you can” starting at $1 a month (less if you subscribe annually). I would love to have you. 💜

With gratitude, Lyric

One thought on “Escaping the Autism Closet – A NeuroQueer Journey

Leave a Reply