The hierarchy habit: how school taught me to hate myself – The #1 habit that almost killed me (and how I finally broke it) – Why I stopped comparing my Neurodivergent brain to a Neurotypical one
Yesterday I had a VERY long and intense 13-hour workday.
Generally, though I used to do so frequently when I was younger, my old knees (and other body parts) no longer appreciated sitting still that long, so I typically try not to allow myself to sit at a computer for that many hours in one day, but yesterday, due to the importance of the project, I allowed myself to give into the hyperfocus as it took hold of me.
While many Autism stereotypes don’t apply to me, that (getting so deeply immersed in a project that hours and the world around me dissolve) is one Autistic stereotype I definitely do fit. However, since being diagnosed about 10 years ago, I’ve become much more aware of this habit (and the toll it can take on me), and have gotten better at breaking it (when I want to).
Yesterday I didn’t want to.
Yesterday, much to the agony of my aging knees and shoulders, I chose to use this focus as a skill.
At 39, my body gets stiffer than it used to in these extended work sessions. However, I made a conscious choice to stay hunched over my laptop longer than I should have…
But it was worth it, because I got my long and tedious, but critical task done (my copyedit reviews for the manuscript Rebecca Duffus, and I’ve been working on recently – Autism, Identity and Me: A Practical Workbook to Empower Adults), and passed them over to Rebecca so she can do the same.
One week for both of us to review roughly 390 pages of edits and notes.
I did my part first, then volleyed the files over to Rebecca to review this weekend (so that we can get them back to the editing team before our deadline early next week).
It was a whirlwind of a work session (that I started on Monday).
Today, and for the next few days, I’m going to do my best to log off earlier, to compensate for the long day, stiff joints, and lack of movement early in the week.
At first, I was dreading this copy editing review stage.
If you’ve been with me for a while, you may already be aware that proofreading is something I struggle with, and also something that I have significant trauma around, thanks to it being something I was singled out and repeatedly scolded for before I was diagnosed Autistic and soon after left corporate America.
My previous employer had picked me and my struggles with proofreading apart so viciously, bringing it up in my reviews as a reason I “couldn’t move up in the company” (becaue if I couldn’t do something “as simple as proofreading, I coudln’t be trusted with more complex tasks” – pointing out each typo in every email, text, or chat message, even informal ones), that I became afraid to communicate using the method that came most natural to me – typed text.
Up until that point, I’d always felt confident in my typing abilities.
Had I not learned to type at a young age, this skill may never have been unlocked, because (for me) writing by hand is not at all the same as typing.
When I write by hand, it is slow and painful – too slow to keep up with the speed of my thoughts and my slippery executive functioning, making it hard to hang on to my thoughts once they flow into me.
In school, handwriting was often a bottleneck, holding me back from expressing what I knew.
By the time I’d get to the end of handwriting one word, I’d forget the rest of the sentence I was trying to write (it was also physically painful, and I never learned to write neatly, even to this day) … but typing set me free.
Since I’d learned to type proficiently, thoughts and expression in text had become more effortless and precise (for me) than any other form of communication.
I felt it was where my true voice could shine (because it allowed me to communicate in an organized, structured, linear way that people around me understood more than when I tried to speak and my thoughts would spill out of me as a bag of marbles dropped on the ground, flowing in every direction).
People who heard me speak but didn’t read my writing (most people back then) weren’t getting a full picture of me or what I knew, because my expressions in speech were (and still often are) far behind what I can express in text (though since I’ve started writing more and often talk about things I’ve written about in the past the speech part has improved a lot in the past 10 years).
Still, I almost lost that confidence and comfort in my writing ability, thanks to an employer who couldn’t see past the typos I made (but couldn’t catch).
Afraid of mistakes I couldn’t see, for years after leaving that job, I would feel a surge of adrenaline, anxiety, and panic rush through me any time I was about to hit ‘send’ on any written communication, my heart racing, palms and armpits sweating, and dizziness swirling around my head as my breath grew short.
It felt like there was a huge weight on my chest.
With emails, because they had a 30-second timer and an ‘unsend’ function, I would start to panic before I even hit ‘send’, then send a message, then unsend it, re-read my message, send it again, panic, and unsend it again.
Sometimes I would find myself stuck in a cycle of frantic re-reading for 15-20 minutes, even for an informal email that was only a few short sentences (to people who wouldn’t have been bothered by a typo or two).
This panic followed me for years after I left the job that triggered it, causing me to doubt my abilities as a writer to the point that I almost gave up writing. It is a big part of why, in the early days of my blog, I was putting out more video content (even though videos felt awkward and unnatural to me).
Part of me is grateful I was forced into making videos because they pushed me to make significant improvements in my speaking abilities, launching my career as an educator and public speaker – something the me from 10 years ago (who was afraid of public speaking) never could have imagined.
Even more so, I am grateful that I eventually got over my fear and aversion to writing.
I’m back! This morning, in an hour, I’ve already typed over 1000 words.
Since getting over that fear (that was put into me by an exploitive capitalist system), I’ve made writing a big part of my life and career.
I’ve self-published two books of my own, with my first self-published title (Workplace Neurodiversity Rising) becoming a bestseller (and earning praise from Forbes as “an excellent ‘how to manual’ based on lived experience and professional competence“).
I have also contributed to several others, and have now collaborated with Rebecca on the US version of her best-selling children’s workbook (‘Autism, Identity and Me: A Practical Workbook to Empower Autistic Children and Young People Aged 10+‘), and am beyond excited about our latest passion project ‘Autism, Identity and Me: A Practical Workbook to Empower Adults‘ that is set to ship this fall (on November 13, 2026).
As I shared with Rebecca, the thought of proofreading our latest project had initially filled me with dread, but by the end of my work session yesterday, I was glad I’d undertaken the task, as it had been a few months since I’d looked over our workbook.
During this long and tedious process, I realized something…
That in the months since turning in the manuscript, I had almost forgotten HOW AMAZING this workbook really is, and, upon re-reading it, I started to get excited and inspired all over again by the beautiful resource we’ve created.
The information is thoughtful and accessible; the lived experiences submitted by members of the Neurodivergent Rebel community, included throughout the book, help bring a variety of perspectives to the text, and the stunning artwork by Carrie Schneider brings beauty and joy to its pages.
We also got some of our endorsements and initial reviews for the project back yesterday… and people had great things to say about our workbook.
I really think we have something VERY special with the Autism, Identity and Me Adult Workbook (not that the children’s workbooks or my other projects weren’t also special), because I could only have dreamed of having a workbook LIKE THIS ten years ago (when I was newly diagnosed as Autistic).
This IS the resource I needed back then, but it didn’t exist… yet.
And it is truly humbling to see this one coming to life, and knowing that I get to be part of making it happen.
Also, today I noticed one more fun thing… we have a “SHIP DATE”!
According to our publisher’s website (and Amazon), the book is set to start shipping on Friday, November 13, 2026!!!
So… who says “Friday the 13th is bad luck“??? Sounds like it’s our lucky day!!!!
While I don’t love Amazon, pre-orders are now open there (if that’s where you shop).
You can also add it to your wishlist on our publisher’s website (where pre-orders open on October 23, 2026 and where we will have a discount code when pre-orders open there closer to the release date).
I AM SO EXCITED FOR THIS RELEASE!!!
This post can also be found on Substack and Patreon.
This post was written with the assistance of Focused Space (a sponsor of the Neurodivergent Rebel blog).
What is Focused Space?
Focused Space is an ADHD-focused, Neurodiversity affirming, goal‑setting, and online co‑working / body‑doubling platform designed to help people prioritize, stay motivated, and bust through procrastination (and it is something I believe in and personally use every day).
More info:
Learn more about how I use it here!
I get requests (that I mostly ignore) to do brand partnerships all the time, because I don’t want to partner with products unless I actually find them useful and high-quality. I also want to work with brands whose owners and processes align with my personal standards and ethics.
That’s why I’m excited to announce that the Neurodivergent Rebel Blog is officially partnering with Focused Space, and our community members can now get access to Focused Space at a special rate of 20% off forever when you use the code “NEURODIVERGENTREBEL” at checkout via the button below or at get.focused.space/neurodivergentrebel:
Now when you Get Focused Space via the link above you’re getting discounted access to a great tool as while supporting the work I do here at the NeuroDivergent Rebel Blog.
Also, if you ever join a 7am CST wakeup call, or pop into an un-hosted Quiet Owl session on a week day, you might bump into me.
Not sure if Focused Space is for you?
- You can start with a free 14-day trial.
- And because this is an ADHD-friendly app, Focused Space will send you an email reminder 7 days before you are billed, so you can cancel after the first week if it’s not a good fit for you.
