What IS Fawning and How Can it Relate to Autistic Masking / Camouflaging? The Dangerous Side of People-Pleasing Many People Don’t Know About – We’re Not Being Fake. We’re Surviving
#AskingAutistics: What is one thing you wish non-autistic people understood about Autistic masking?
What IS Autistic masking (also known as camouflaging)?
Autistic masking (also known as camouflaging) is when an Autistic person consciously or subconsciously masks their Autistic traits to blend in with non-autistic people.
When we do this, it is not to be manipulative or deceptive. It is a survival skill and can also be tied to trauma responses (such as fawning). More on fawning in a moment.
What does Autistic Masking look like?
For me, masking left me stuck in a constant state of evaluating how I needed to act (speak, move, what I should and shouldn’t say), who I needed to be (the interests I should or shouldn’t share, what needs I could speak up about vs what needs I needed to pretend I didn’t have, and how much of myself I should filter out). It also meant often being on edge, wondering what parts of myself were acceptable in any given situation (often the parts of myself I hid were the parts tied to my Autistic and other Neurodivergent traits).
I was always on guard, which meant scripting and practicing conversations in advance, working overtime to read people’s tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language, trying to figure out what to say next while also monitoring my own tone of voice, facial expressions, movements, and body language.
When I mask heavily, I become highly filtered, saying as little as possible, trying not to draw excess attention to myself, acting like everything is fine even when it isn’t, and trying not to let anyone know when I am confused or need help with something my peers don’t.
Because of this tendency not to ask for help, I’ve become VERY skilled at figuring things out on my own and teaching myself things (since I was afraid to admit when I required support or was confused for most of my life).
For some of us, masking may be tied to fawning (but not always).
What IS Fawning?
Fawning is a way people with interpersonal trauma (Autistic or not) avoid conflict (because being in social conflict feels dangerous because it actually was dangerous in the past, even if it isn’t dangerous now).
When we fawn, we turn to appeasing and people-pleasing as a trauma response. It is another response to danger (or perceived danger) that some of us develop in response to trauma.
What does fawning look like?
Fawning can lead us to instinctively try to please, appease, or smooth things over with other people to keep ourselves safe.
Signs of Fawning may include (but are not limited to) over-apologizing, ignoring our own needs, not sharing our opinions or ideas for fear of conflict, and difficulty saying no to things we don’t want to do.
Fawning means we may not turn down events that are painful or stressful for us because we know other people expect us to attend, so we go no matter how much we don’t want to (or how much pain it would cause us in the end).
When we are fawning, we may find ourselves agreeing with people even when we strongly disagree, ignoring our own hunger, pain, discomfort, or exhaustion, and putting others’ feelings above our own feelings and needs.
Another sign of fawning can be when we outwardly change our opinions on the spot just to stop the other person from getting upset or angry with us (regardless of how we really feel)… and in the moment, if we are fawning, we may watch ourselves do all these things, wanting to speak up or stand our ground, wondering why we’re not engaging more authentically, but being unable to share what we really feel.
Why do Autistic People Mask Autistic Traits and/or Fawn?
Many of us adopt masking as a survival skill (because the world often isn’t emotionally or physically safe for us to show ourselves fully).
We are trying to stay physically and emotionally safe.
Sadly, the world often punishes Autistic differences.
If we rock back and forth, or stim visibly or audibly, we may be judged or scolded. If we don’t make eye contact, people may see us as rude or untrustworthy.
Standing out, in a world that demands conformity, can be dangerous and can lead to being ostracized, discriminated against, bullied, picked on, or even physically harmed.
As a result, masking and fawning can become a shield against bullying, getting fired, rejection, or worse.
The closer we appear to neuronormativity, the more ease and safety we get from the neurotypically aligned world. If we can look just like (or more like) our non-autistic peers, they’re less likely to harm us (and often will treat us better).
We are trying to connect with others.
Most Autistic people want friendship, love, and belonging just like anyone else (though eventually, if we experience enough rejection, some of us may decide it’s not worth the effort and pain).
Often, masking feels like the only way we can be accepted into social groups or other spaces we enter, and fawning may help us keep the peace in hostile situations (because for many of us, conflict can feel wildly overwhelming, especially if we have gone through traumatic interpersonal experiences in the past).
Some Autistic people will never blend in, no matter how hard they try.
Not all Autistic people can mask their Autistic traits, and the ability we have to blend in can vary throughout our lifetimes (or in some cases day to day).
As a kid, I couldn’t yet mask my Autistic traits (until I was about 10 or 11 years old). Then again, I lost the ability to blend in when I was burned out in survival mode in my late 20s, because I was mentally and physically unwell (which led to me finally being diagnosed as Autistic a few months before my 30th birthday).
When I didn’t yet know how to mask, and then when I lost the ability to do so, it left me vulnerable in environments (like school and work) that demanded conformity.
Many of us fantasize about “taking the mask off,” but in reality, not being able to mask can make us much more vulnerable. There is privilege in being able to choose to mask or not, compared to being an Autistic person who can’t mask or blend in even if they want to.
That said, I personally believe that when those of us who can choose to unmask expose ourselves, it helps make the world safer for those of us who can’t hide, by humanizing the Autistic experiences so that maybe one day it will be safer.
In a safer world, all of us would need to hide less.
What is the difference between Autistic Masking and Fawning?
Masking tends to be more of a conscious or learned performance (we may even have been trained by our peers or through behavioral modification programs to mask).
Masking means hiding our natural traits (like stimming, facial expressions, body language, or tone of voice) to blend in and avoid standing out.
Fawning is a deeper, instinctive nervous-system reflex (that can happen to any traumatized person, Autistic or not). It’s one of the ways our nervous systems respond to stress (alongside fight, flight, and freeze).
When we fawn, we automatically please or agree with someone to neutralize a perceived threat and keep ourselves safe, even if it means abandoning our own needs in that moment.
How Can Autistic masking and fawning be connected?
Because the Autistic community has defined Autistic masking as ‘something we can do consciously or subconsciously,’ there is overlap between Autistic masking and fawning.
Because many of us learn to mask from an early age, for some of us, masking can become so automatic that we may not even realize we are doing it and may struggle to stop, even when we want to. When this happens, Autistic masking bleeds into fawning territory.
Some, but not all, Autistic masking actually IS fawning (when the mask becomes so ingrained in us that it becomes reflexive and something we do without meaning to because we feel as if we’re in danger). However, when we know we are masking and choose to do so, it is not fawning.
Fawning is the ‘emergency setting’ of masking.
Masking is acting “non-autistic” to get through the day. However, when an Autistic person senses serious conflict, danger, or strong disapproval, our nervous system may kick masking into overdrive, and the performance narrows down specifically to pleasing that person. That’s when masking bleeds into fawning territory, when there is a switch from “I need to blend in” to “I need to make this specific person like me or calm down, right now, so I stay safe.”
Masking creates the need for fawning.
If we’ve been masking heavily all day, we may already be exhausted and on high alert. Then, when a stressful situation pops up, we may already be hypervigilant and have less energy to stand our ground.
When that happens, it can be much easier for us to fawn (agree, apologize, or smooth things over) because our brain is too tired or stressed to handle a disagreement.
Masking and fawning both involve overriding our instincts.
In both cases, we push our genuine feelings, physical needs, and opinions aside. The difference is the urgency.
Masking is the ongoing day-to-day habit of hiding ourselves, while fawning is the sudden, desperate reflex to appease someone when hiding isn’t enough anymore. Both come from the need to survive, and both can take a heavy toll on us.
I wish I could tell you that unmasking is as simple as deciding to “be yourself.” But after decades of hiding, your nervous system may no longer know what “safe” even feels like. (I know mine didn’t.)
That’s why, for my Super Helpers, I’ve put together the gentle, gradual approach to masking and fawning that worked for me, with no pressure to rip the mask off all at once.
Super Helpers on Substack have access to the rest of this post as a thank-you for their support.
In the Super Helper section of the post:
- The ally guide (what to say when you sense someone masking or fawning)
- The “one small unmasked thing“ practice
- Rebuilding your sense of identity when you don’t know where the mask ends and you begin
- And more!
To to unlock the rest of this very personal piece, please consider becoming a Substack Super Helper.
I REALLY need my Super Helpers!
With everything going on, to keep this blog running, I need monetary support now more than ever.
Please support monetarily only if it won’t cause harm or stress in your life.
Lyric Rivera is an educator and author of multiple books, including the best selling business ethics book, Workplace Neurodiversity Rising, Neurodivergent Rebel’s The Weight of Normal, a collaborator on the U.S. Version of the Autism, Identity and Me children’s workbooks and helper guide by Rebecca Duffus, and co-author with Rebecca Duffus on the upcoming Autism, Identity, and me Workbook for adults releasing on November 13, 2026 (pre-orders open NOW)!
This post was written with the assistance of Focused Space (a sponsor of the Neurodivergent Rebel blog).
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