Content Warning: This piece discusses gaslighting, coercion, manipulation, and abusive relationships (with people and society).
I’m creating a new community on Substack, and I hope you’ll join me as a free member. I also have paid subscriptions that are only $5/month (less if you subscribe annually) if you want access to bonus content. To receive new posts (like this one) delivered directly to your inbox 2-3 times each week, please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Free subscribers get content, too! Everyone gets something (because I believe education should be accessible).
I’m Autistic (and ADHD) or AuDHD as some call it (since this is a common combination of NeuroTypes or Brain Types).
As many of the longtime readers know, I didn’t know I was Autistic and ADHD for most of my life, and I only learned about these truths after being diagnosed Autistic at 29, almost seven years ago.
Like many of us identified in adulthood, I’d experienced a life of thinking I was a failed NeuroTypical person, not truly knowing myself or my needs (because I’d been programmed by the expectations and people in the world around me to think that my needs were unreasonable).
I’ve been gaslit by society to think my needs and comfort are less important than everyone else’s and that what I need is “wrong” (because it’s not what everyone else needs).
Over and over again, I’ve had my reality denied, been told I was too sensitive, didn’t really feel or experience what I know I felt, and needed to “suck it up” and “keep up with everyone else” (who the world we live in is made for).
The people doing this didn’t KNOW they were harming me or denying my reality. It was assumed by everyone (myself included) that we all had the same brains and experiences. Regardless, the harm was done.
Put down, over and over again, stifled into silence because nobody knew I was AuDHD, and everyone expected me to be and act as if my brain wasn’t wired differently from theirs.
IS it gaslighting if it is unintentional (and the outcomes on those whose reality is being denied are the same)?
Traditionally, regarding the long-term gaslighting of a victim, gaslighting is usually an intentional action (used to exert control over another person or obscure the truth).
When gaslighting is intentional, the victim is manipulated with lies and coercion until the victim escapes the relationship (or the relationship ends the victim).
These relationships can be dangerous because abusers often see victims as their property, making escapes treacherous. If victims DO escape, they usually have lasting mental scars from the trauma (especially if these relationships were long-term).
When people are gaslit repeatedly, their realities are denied, and they can begin to have extreme self-doubt.
After months or years of gaslighting, one may not be able to determine their own reality anymore (because their version of reality has been repeatedly denied by the person mentally abusing them).
When I found out I was Autistic a few months before my thirtieth birthday, it was a moment that made me realize that I’d been in an abusive relationship with society.
Allowing others around me to dictate my reality (regardless of what I actually needed, felt, or experienced) because speaking up about the truth hadn’t gone well for me in the past.
Like many of us, I carry the scars and traumas of these experiences.
Blending in, denying my own reality (and fawning at NeuroTypical expectations) was a trauma response – a survival skill I’d developed after years of repeated scoldings, teasings, and denials.
Like thousands of small but shallow razor cuts all over my body (each wound on its own, not much of an assault or a threat), I’ve been left raw and bleeding from countless interactions – injections of doubt into my reality.
You can read more of this post (FOR FREE) on Substack.
I’m creating a new community on Substack, and I hope you’ll join me as a free member (but I also have paid subscriptions that are only $5/month – less if you subscribe annually if you want access to bonus content).
To receive new posts (like this one) delivered directly to your inbox 2-3 times each week (and support my work), please consider becoming a subscriber.
FREE subscribers on Substack get content, too! Everyone gets something (because I believe education should be accessible).
Both Substack and Patreon offer a free one-week trial on paid subscriptions.
The NeuroDivergent Rebel Blog is a reader-supported publication. Without the help of my readers, free resources LIKE THIS ONE wouldn’t be possible.
To receive new posts (like this one) and support my work, I ask that you please consider becoming a free or paid subscriber on Patreon or Substack.
If you’re low on funds, you can also help support my work by sharing this post.
It would mean a lot to me,
– Lyric
