I have stereotypical autistic pattern recognition. This often means I notice things other people miss.
CW – ABUSE
My first hand experiences being lured in by these charming, and sometimes charismatic characters. They hide behind a mask of kindness, but their darkness tends to destroy every person they touch, eventually.
Because other people cannot see the patterns I do, sometimes it is dismissed as paranoia OR people are confused at how I can “predict the future” so often.
I notice abusers have patterns.
Unfortunately there are a few “advocates” in our community who regularly engage in this behavior. It’s toxic and sickening to me.
If they abuse one person, expect one day they will abuse you too and don’t be surprised when it happens.
I also notice abusers often have either extreme insecurities, DELUSIONS of GRANDEUR, or BOTH.
They often think their needs are more important than the people around them, fail to take responsibility for their own actions, and will lash out when they don’t get their way.
Delusions of grandeur:
Being convinced they are somehow more “special” than the average human.
Because they see themselves as more important than they really are, they use the people around them as pawns, often discarding them when no longer useful.
Also in delusions of grandeur:
Thinking everyone should serve and cater to the person with an artificially inflated sense of worth.
They will exploit anything and anyone they can because they are somehow entitled to it.
They are often VERY nice publicly, but once you get to know them you realize they lash out a lot and have little to no consideration for the feelings of those around them.
Despite not caring for others these selfish people often will expect people to cater to their need & wants.
They may be bossy/think/act like they are leaders (self appointed).
These people need attention and CRAVE drama and will make up/pick reasons to fight with you. Your pain may even bring them joy.
It’s all about control. These people may have felt powerless growing up due to abuse and may abuse others as a toxic way to take their own power back.
They like to control the narrative and may even lie about you, telling wild stories to elevate themselves. They lie so often they may even believe their own lies.
Watch for people who’s lives are filled with drama, who constantly play the victim.
Also look for people who fail to take responsibility for their actions, blaming all their problems on external sources (people/situations).
They are not humble, in fact the are OFTEN power hungry, making up rules for the people around them.
That doesn’t mean they don’t hate themselves, it JUST means they prioritize themselves more than the people around them – because often those around abusers aren’t seen as people, they are tools to be used.
In fact, a lot of abusers DO have self esteem issues. They OFTEN themselves have even been abused in the past – sometimes leaning on their past abuse as an excuse, “I was hurt so now I hurt others”.
People sometimes use TRAUMA as an excuse hurt other people. Just because you went through some shit, that doesn’t give you a free pass to LASH out at others.
NOOOO – being damaged or traumatized DOES not mean you have a free pass to lash out/abuse and/or PROJECT you insecurities onto other people.
Abusers who’ve been abused are still abusers.
Regardless the TOXIC BEHAVIORS are unacceptable and inexcusable.
No passes, no excuses for abuse!
Abusers are predictable. They are always the same. Once I see one, for what they are, they are EXPOSED.
As an autistic person, it can be hard to spot them if you don’t know what you are looking for.
I hope this helps.
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6 thoughts on “An Autistic Guide to Unmasking Abusive & Manipulative People”
I tried to befriend a person like this at my former workplace and didn’t realize until it was too late. I told her I was on the autism spectrum and she basically stopped talking to me and began to ostracize me at work. She caused me a lot of pain that I am still recovering from 2 years later. 😕
Thank you for writing this! I really hope this will benefit a lot of people!
I feel like Agony Autie fits this description. This is a recent interaction she had with a follower…
I think there are a couple who are advocates I’ve just been observing, for now, to be honest. I was originally going to start advocating myself as I’m a lot older and had advocated before for abuse victims and really wanted to advocate for those who had really late diagnosis in their fifties and had masked most of their lives but now I’ve taken a look at some of the people on the Autistic Advocacy pages I’ve realised it can be bit toxic so I’m not going to do it. I really like your Channel and find it really helpful and have tried to be selective about what pages I follow. I’ve also realised there are enough advocates out there without my two penneths worth. My egos not that big feel the need to add to the mix even though I’ve probably some useful information but I also don’t need the headache that goes along with dealing with toxic people. I also agree with above that there appears to be a lot of Drama with some channels including the one above. It seems to be more about their own dramas rather than helping people. One minute she’s in crisis and suicidal and the next minute shes back online helping people. It’s very strange.
Excellent blog. I think something very important for autistic people to be aware of is the potential for people to be very deliberate in how they present themselves online, and the reality if we have not met people in real life, we may in fact be dealing with a person who is presenting a very different image online than who they actually are in real life. Autistic people are not always the best at accessing who people are, thereby frequently getting treated in abusive ways. Yet, in online autistic communities over the years I’ve noted frequently autistic people are assuming they do know people better than is actually possible if they have not met a person in real life as well as online. It’s a risky and unsafe to assume any of us can know people in the fullest sense from online / distance interaction only. Abusers can very easily, including autistic ones, present a persona online that only those who know them in real life are going to spot is dishonest. Autistic people really do need to be more wary and realistic of the limitations of how well it’s possible to know people through online interaction only, or they may find they are close to an abuser or acting as a flying monkey, enabler, to an abuser.